To My Friends Without Kids
What do you do when you’re the first of your friend group to have a baby? Although many movie plot lines say differently, it’s nearly impossible to plan having babies around your friends. For us, our friends in Chicago are all at different points in their lives. Some are single, some dating, some engaged and some married. But none have kids just yet.
When we were pregnant with our first baby, we had the same hopes and fears as all parents do. Would he be healthy? Would we get any sleep? What would it be like to care for another tiny human? Would we be good at this whole parenting thing? And so on. But as I pictured our life in the city and all the ways the baby would change it, one more question popped into my mind: how would having a baby affect our friendships? And although this wasn’t the most important question we faced, it was still lingering there, awaiting an answer.
Of course, time passed, the baby came - we named him Remy - and my husband and I basked in the warmth of newborn snuggles and tiny clothes and family visits and enjoyed every drop of my maternity leave. As Remy grew, I went back to work, he went to daycare and life in the city started to feel familiar again. Different, but familiar. Then we got the itch for date nights and dinner at fun restaurants with friends. I missed having a girls night at a wine bar. My husband wanted to golf and watch the game with the guys. We wanted to spend time with Remy, but also see our friends. We wanted it all and we weren’t quite sure it would happen again. At least not until Remy was older.
Our closest family members (my parents) are about 5 hours away, so weekend and evening childcare is a challenge for us. Unless we plan in advance and schedule a sitter, only one of us can sneak away for last minute happy hour. And on the weekends, if we plan to get dinner with another couple, we have to factor in the price of a sitter for a few hours plus the price of dinner. It adds up! Theses challenges aren’t unique to us - every parent faces them - but they are challenges, none the less. We started to accept that some aspects of our social lives were in the past. And that was ok. We settled into our new routine and cherished our time with Remy. We hoped our friends would understand if we didn’t see them as often. That’s just the way it had to be.
But you know what? That’s not what happened. We did see our friends. We met couples for dinner. We had game nights. We had picnics in the park. We drank wine on the patio. We played music and cooked. We watched football and movies together. And do you know how we did all of this? A factor I never considered or expected. With the help of our friends!
Our friends adjusted to our life with a baby. They were willing to change things so that we could be included. Now, when we meet for dinner, we meet earlier than usual so that Remy can come. When our friends want to drink wine on the patio, they suggest our house, knowing Remy can be asleep in his bed. When the girls want a night out, they’re willing to wait until after Remy’s bedtime to meet up. When the big game is on, our friends set out goldfish crackers for Remy and help me chase him around their basement. When I think about it, the ONLY reason we have a full social life is because our friends have been so willing to adapt to our new life with a child.
Fast forward to present day. Remy is now one and a half, and running around like crazy. He’s a handful and a joy at the same time. Yesterday, my husband texts me to say the guys want to meet for a drink after work. Oh wait, the girls want to come, too. I respond “I’ll stay home with Remy and you can go.” A few minutes pass and he texts back “no, they want to meet at the park or at our house”. I smile and respond “sounds great. see you soon!”
The thing is, I didn’t realize it at first. It’s easy to miss. But our friends - you know, the ones without kids - they’re helping us in a million little ways.
That evening, my husband brings Remy home from daycare and I throw together something for him to eat for dinner. He’s covered in avocado, tossing tortillas all over the floor. We’re packing a few things for the park and I consider vacuuming, but I stop myself because I know my friends won’t mind. I wipe Remy down and we hurry out the door. It’s a production going anywhere with a toddler and our friends are already at the park. We walk down the sidewalk, Remy running with excitement, and there they are waiting for us on a bench. Remy runs to them. They have beers for us. I had visions of a picnic on a blanket, but Remy beelines to the playground. I give my friends a look that says “sorry” but they happily follow along.
We watch Remy climb the steps and position himself at the top of the slide. As he slides down gleefully, our friends all clap for him. He does this repeatedly and they clap every time. I chase him for a while and then one of my friends sets down her drink and picks up where I left off, chasing Remy up and down the playground. He falls and one of our friends picks him up to make sure he’s ok. You know the saying “It takes a village”? Folks, this is the village they told us about.
I don’t know what it was about last night. I found myself looking around, feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for those friends without kids. Those friends who change their plans for us. Those friends who wait on us as we move at a glacial pace. Those friends who ignore the cheese smashed into the rug. The friends who hold Remy’s hand while he climbs the stairs. The friends who chase him around the house when he’s bored. The friends who come to us, always always come to us, so that Remy can sleep or play or eat…and we don’t have to pay for a sitter. Those friends. Those damn good friends without kids.
I hope they know how thankful we are. I hope they understand all of the little adjustments they’ve made, the early dinner times, the times they chose our house over a bar, ALL OF IT has mattered to us. It has made our transition back into social life with a small child possible! To those friends - they know who they are - I thank you. I hope everyone can be so lucky to have friends like that, to help guide them into parenthood without expectation, just open arms and goldfish crackers.
For now, I am cherishing this time because it won’t always be this way. Remy gets to be the center of our world, and for those hours and weekends spent with our friends, he’s the center of their world, too. What a lucky kid! But one day our friends will also have babies. And they will need their own family and friends to help them adjust. Their kids will be the center of their universe, as they should be. But maybe, just maybe, we can return the favor.
